April's Fool

It's been almost a month. Many things have happened, but mostly I've been trapped beneath the weight of academia trying to survive the month of April. I'll give a quick recap.

April 1st I turned 24...for the first and last time. I don't get to turn 24 again. That's it, folks. It was a one shot deal. Noel sent me a box full of goodies from Toronto. I think I fell for him in that moment, because for the first time a guy made me cry in a good way. I didn't even know you could get good tears from a guy considering my eyes have a separate tear duct labeled "For the Assholes!"

After my birthday I spent the rest of my days writing papers about global governance, agribusiness and globalization, gender roles in disaster vulnerabilities and urban disaster risk. It's been a scintillating month I tell ya. Besides that, I've spent every non-academic moment on the phone with Noel talking for so many hours I'm pretty sure my ears experience withdrawal when they don't hear his voice. What the fuck am I doing?

I'm a one-person girl. I can only handle one thing at a time and considering what a handful I am I can say with all certainty its enough just to deal with myself. So Noel is another woe on top of the many that just live inside of me like squatters in a broke down, boarded up house. The biggest problem that I have with him is that I can see this working out just as much I see it failing. I'm equally prepared to have him in my life as I am to live without him. There is no bias. I am cynical enough to believe that come May 29th when I return to Toronto things will degrade to the level of a nuclear breakdown. Think Hiroshima. I am, also, hopeful enough to believe that for a girl who knows nothing about healthy, loving relationships this could turn out to be everything she's never known. Think every RomCom ever created. For the most part I alternate between believing that "this is it" or feeling like maybe this is just one more due I have to pay before the right one comes along. Funny how a situation like this can appear so disjointed when your own mind is so disjointed. Cynical to hopeful...two sides, same coin, generally pathetic situation.

I wish I could say this has something to do with Noel, but after psychoanalyzing myself I've realized this is more about me than anything. He is quick to reassure me. But isn't that what they're supposed to do? He is fast to make me feel good. But would I be with him if he didn't? He says all the right things. But, honestly, why wouldn't he? He can't make a move without me fucking it up for him. I should give him a chance, but really, does that sound like me at all?

I spent the last couple of days losing my brain cells and steadily lowering my IQ by watching The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girliscious. Of course I have no excuse for this behavior except to say that when a girl is constantly reading UN documents full of depressing details a little fluff and vapidness goes a long way. Unfortunately, we took a bad turn towards "low self-esteem road" and I was broken down by a show with a title that is enough to turn any academic into a raving lunatic. One girl on the show had the nerve to declare that "beauty is a talent, I mean, not everybody is born beautiful." That's right. Tell that to the girls with a complex about their looks, with enough issues about their weight they could bury themselves with it. Irrational as it is, this comment made by the most vapid, ignorant, absolutely idiotic, glitter loving, lip gloss fawning, hair flipping waste of food (really, she probably doesn't eat) made me feel utterly gross. So I can't wear a pair of 3 inch heels and dance in cut offs so short I could easily have an offensive Britney moment. What does that matter? Fuck. Why do I give a shit? Maybe I should just buy a bikini and put all my worth in a piece of string and 3 triangles that cover just enough....but not too much.

I guess my talent is constant worry, easy self-disgust, confidence on a pendulum, and a brain that can process complex documents but couldn't figure how to sing and dance at the same time. No beauty talent here. I'm just a woman with a stressful life, a guy she can't seem to reconcile mentally with, and a need to wonder why, if beauty is skin deep, people aren't equipped to see to that depth. Apparently, beauty is like a UV ray....our eyes just aren't made to see it.