Aging has a funny way of making you think that you're becoming wiser. Something about turning a year older makes you believe that you can make much better decisions than you did the year before. Of course, there are many circumstances where getting older makes you a little smarter, makes your decisions a little more prudent and overall adds to the rationality of your life. However, I think that when it comes to matters of the heart we are fucked no matter how old we are. Age is certainly nothing but a number when it comes to love, or whatever we call that queasy feeling in the pit of our stomachs. Basically, I'm no closer to understanding the intricacies of the male-female mating dance that I've participated in since I was 16.
I've been back in Toronto for 3 days and have spent 2 of those days with Noel. I realized quite quickly that spending 5 months talking to somebody on the phone from across an ocean builds a lot of anticipation plus a whole lot of expectations. I wanted what I felt on the phone in person, but it didn't quite happen that way. The thing is that the phone as a medium comes with a lot of transformative power. While on either end of this technological marvel (thank you Mr. Bell) people are often braver, more honest, and certainly more likely to be open. Noel is shy, often awkward, and nerdy...I knew that going in, but I didn't know whether that would transfer well from the phone to sitting across the dinner table from him. Going through the beginning part of your relationship from different continents is more difficult than you can imagine. I spent most the last 5 months convincing myself that knowing him so intimately in an emotional and psychological way would make being together in Toronto even better. I consoled myself with the idea that knowing somebody so deeply could only make being together easier and more wonderful. The problem is that you can't ever account for the unknown. When I got back to Toronto, Noel and I were more than we were when I left for London in January and certainly the expectations were higher. I hate to say it, but it has been far harder than I imagined, and more awkward than I believed. Even worse, my feelings are swinging like a pendulum.
Let me make myself totally clear. Noel is the kindest, sweetest, nicest guy in the world. I don't think I believed men like him existed. Am I total bitch for thinking that he's too nice? I thought that all I ever wanted was a good guy who was enamored with me. I have one now, and all I want is somebody who'll stand up to me and won't look at me with stars in his eyes. I can't seem to enjoy being looked at the way he looks at me because it feels unrealistic and I live in the real world. I am not even close to as perfect as he thinks I am. I'm afraid to disappoint him by being as imperfect as a human usually is and also by doing anything that could possibly disillusion him. But sometimes, I revel in how much he likes me (I am a total bitch). In turn, he gets so nervous around me, and I don't think he's totally himself. When we get on the phone, even now, he's so much more open and direct. In real life he's afraid to do anything to push me away. He's on eggshells, and I'm feeling jipped because the guy I want (and was promised) only seems to come alive when we've got phones attached to our ears.
I want to react differently than I have in the past when situations with men have been less than what I wanted them to be. Usually, as a friend likes to say, I squash things before they even really get started. If he's a bad kisser, I'm done. If he doesn't excite me, I'm done. If he's not my ideal, I'm done. What's wrong with me? So I've decided that this time, I'm going to be different. I'm going to give this a chance and see where it goes. Maybe he'll be less nervous over time. Maybe he'll be exactly what I want and need. Obviously I liked, and still like, him for very good reasons. He's still smart, and kind, thoughtful and honest. I mean, he bought me a box of chocolates (each chocolate personally picked out) for our first date since I've been back in Toronto. See, thoughtful. Do guys do that anymore? Why can't I be happy with that?
I'm at a crossroads. I'm 24, older this year than last, and hopefully a little better at living life. However, it seems that love has trumped me again. I have no clue how to deal with this situation. I've got a strategy, though, and I guess all I can do now is see how it plays out.
