Cyberesque Rape

There are rules to internet interactions. Most of them are to protect us from the dangers of cybersex. It is simple, really. You cannot engage in cybersex unless both people in the conversation explicitly consent to the act. Otherwise it's cyberrape. That's right, I said it, and I'm not taking it back. You cannot have me inadvertently helping you get off, because I have a say in the matter. Where is my say, I ask you?

Rules of engagement, people, are not to be messed with because they exist to protect you (and especially me!) from the wily, sneak attack tactics of cybersex frequenters. As a victim I am slightly traumatized, kind of grossed out, and totally indignant at the graphic words spewed at me on MSN by somebody I trusted. I feel dirty, dirty like a poor hair extension hanging perilously from the unwashed scalp of one Britney Spears. Where is my protection, where is the justice, where is the BLOCK command? As I watched like the proverbial deer in the headlights with shock, dismay and, I'll admit, vague fascination (there were words...very bad words used) I could not help wanting to scream "Stop, I have not consented, computer pervert, get that hand where I can see it (or not)!" With my jaw dropping, eyes bugging out, and fingers unmoving (he didn't seem to actually need me to respond) I decided that cyberrape is not cool. I was violated intra-computerly and I did not like it. My response? Get up from my desk, go to my bed, face the wall and fall asleep in the fetal position. I asked myself, before I shuddered to sleep, "My God, does this guy not know there are rules?"

Rule #1: Cybersex was only cool circa 1996 when the Internet exploded and it basically became a haven for dirty, little chat rooms full of pervs waiting to victimize their keyboards with their "sacred seed" fluidy goodness.

Rule #2: If, for you, cybersex is still in (which is sad cause you now have Lavalife which almost guarantees you real life sex) then you have to have written consent from the other person involved to engage in such activity.

Rule #3: You must never, ever, ever underhandedly, slyly, sneakily guide the conversation into cybersex territory only to ambush the poor innocent on the other side of the computer. It is simply not done.

Rule #4: As a cyberrapist, you must never, ever, ever contact the victim of your grossly miscalculated cybersex attack (Don't try it, because I will find your facebook password and make your status _____ is A DIRTY, DIRTY CYBERRAPIST MAN! And don't think I won't, because I will. Don't test me, cybersex boy.)

I am done. I will now return to my therapy session of mint chocolate chip ice cream, trashy gossip magazines, and the sweet, sweet tunes of Michael Jackson.....he assures me I am not alone.

The tiny penis that could

The magical powers of the penis only lead to moments when he can or he can't. This tiny penis could. This is the story of the penis that faced all the odds, with all bets against him and yet managed to get up (in every sense), and come through (this part is murky). The story ends with one of those fabulous "Oh my, did you see that? DID you see that?" moments that are sort of happy, yet dazed because of the surprise ending. Go, little penis go.

The owner is one Chubby Asian Dude. The name itself is one that pretty much describes CAD to a tee. He's Asian, chubby and a dude with a tiny penis that seemed like it couldn't until it was obvious that it could.

M, on a very regular London night meets Chubby Asian Dude at a party. Blah, blah, drinks and dancing, blah, blah, let's skip over to the good part. After quite the night of freakishly long foreplay (in which she discovers he is the best kisser in the world, prelude to the magic? I think so) he pulls out the big guns to move on to the good stuff, but the big guns turn out to be much smaller than expected. The small, short, tiny little pistol he pulls out almost scares her into stopping, but being the trooper that M is she is determined to finish what she started. She's got far more sexual integrity than most women and the alcohol capacity of a 250 pound man (intoxication....always a good thing in these matters).

As it happens, Chubby Asian Dude with tiny penis = Great Sex. The infamy of the tiny penis that could is a story heard almost daily (like a slow moving, yet tantalizing soap opera....Susan Lucci style). It seems that even the unassuming, not very attractive, chubby Asian dude is given the unbelievable chance to prove genetics wrong. He can, and did, get the sex he didn't deserve amidst choruses of "oh my God, how did he do it?". Chubby Asian dude with the tiny penis now gets to shag on a frequent basis (on a she-calls-him basis which is far more impressive than a he-calls-her basis). His tiny penis that could has not only deemed him blog worthy, but has given hope to all small penis-ed men and the women who have to be highly intoxicated to shag them. It's pretty beautiful, isn't it? Makes me want to shed tears (not clothes....okay, maybe clothes), hug chubby Asian dude, and thank him....for hope. Here, here.